Cosmo’s blog

The right place

2009-10-25T14:38:21Z

The year is not over yet, but I have to say that this year has been filled with moments of things just being "right."

Sometimes I think we wander around - trying to figure out what we're supposed to be doing, where are we supposed to be. Where should I live? Who should I be hanging around? etc. Honestly you never know until you look back.

So far this year:

I left Starbucks for Jamba Juice

I left about 3 weeks of vacation that I never got to take or receive pay for.

But I also left a lot of stress. I actually got to take unpaid time off to visit my beautiful niece and nephew (brother and sister and law too but let's be honest on why I really went)

I got to take a 2 week trip with my parents and go on a good hike up a mountain - seeing my parents' perseverance and commitment to "togetherness"

I got to take a week vacation in NY with Alex (but to be honest, it was about the food - j/k)

I've moved to East Austin - a little less cushy, but it has made me a better person

I'm biking around. I'm starting to run again - I actually feel like I'm running better than when I was training for my marathon.

I took the step to commit to tutoring at a local middle school - and I think about my kids and their progress

I've gotten to babysit (aka play) with my friends' kids again - used to just be little Tsangs and Lees, but we've added Peters and another Lee.

I'm not working insane hours with fast food as my only option late at night.

I'm cooking a little more and enjoying a meal with Kev as we watch TV

*Kev and I first really bonded eating these awesome sub sandwiches in Albany, NY watching playoff basketball.

My Uncle Pat passed away after a long battle with cancer this year, but things felt right when I went back to see him for the last time. You really don't know how to say bye to someone when you know that it's probably the last time you'll see him breathing, sitting next to you. That trip was definitely one where in the moment, it felt like I should have been there. A week or two later after he passed away and all the family was there - it just felt right. Chris' flight got delayed in Dallas - which allowed him and his family to be around.

I wouldn't say that God came down and threw this vision of what I should be doing. There were some risks here and there, but nothing too horrible. I just feel very blessed. I feel like I'm learning again - in a new way. I cried the most I have in years when my uncle passed away. I felt fortunate to have peers honestly ask how I was doing. I could handle things in my head alright, but it was healthy to talk about things and let it out.

There are new challenging situations at Vox - the issues have always existed in life, but it's a different thing when they intersect your community. I'm thankful for the leadership and the honesty in our circle of friends. The insight and the laughter are all part of the feeling of things just being "right."

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I used to say that I love it when it's cold outside and you just breathe the cool crisp air, but something changed. Hannah and I ran a small loop around Town Lake (a part that I never ran before but is awesome). A week before, she kicked my butt burning me at the end. That day sucked - not cuz she beat me, but because we made a few stops here and there where water fountains didn't work. It was a shorter run, but the humidity made it feel like 90 and you could feel the sweat on your shirt weigh you down. This day was different. We went longer. We never stopped. We weren't tired. We felt good because it was just right - you could breathe in the air, but you didn't have to process cold to warm. You sweat and it just naturally dried. The air was crisp and clean, but you didn't even notice it.

It was like the Sunday ride the week before. It wasn't about skill or anything. Just riding and being with people - everyone from the high mileage bikers (Harm, Enoch, Gid) to the casual (Jen, Tandra, Joshua). I didn't feel like I was doing much the entire time other than chatting with people. I love our community. Those are truly the moments of just being. Those moments of just doing life together.

The other morning I made this awesome breakfast hash that Kev and I shared. That evening Kev cooked up the steaks. A day of good eating and just resting. Oh yeah, and I did have work in between that, but work is no longer one of the major things going on in my life.

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There's this feeling after a good shower where you feel like your skin is breathing. But then there's this feeling after you use one of those face wash soaps - then after that you REALLY feel like your pores have all opened and you're breathing in life. That's when I'm truly refreshed and ready to go.

I am usually a restless person, but there's this image/theory I have. When I take a good shower and then go to bed, it's like my body is breathing in rest - the pores are taking in the softness of the little cotton fibers in my blanket. It's like I'm absorbing the physical nature of rest. Add some cold weather and you gotta love staying in bed. It just feels right.

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Another point scored for community - perfect #6

2009-10-09T14:48:36Z

I am in New York as I write/type. I'm taking a break. It's been great checking things out. One of my favorite themes of writing about usually has to do with community - whether it be the kids, families, various affinity groups, etc.

Last week, I was eating out with two friends - single guys. Out of the blue, one says 'marriage - that is so stupid. Why do people think of that stuff?'

Well, I have found something deep and profound . . . ok maybe neither.

So I had one mission for my trip - to eat - to eat a lot and to eat well.

Day 1 - mainly traveling - so let's avoid that

Day 2 - hung out with my brother, Scott, Marian, Wei, and Sandy

We had a long list ahead of us and we figured we had to have a strategy. We would share plates.

So for starters;

1. Clinton Street Bakery - split the blueberry pancakes and brioche French toast

2. Doughnut plant - halved some donuts - tres leches, PB & J, creme brulee

Boring part - shopping - H&M, Uniqlo - mainly was the guys waiting for the girls - the price you gotta pay

3. Joe Shanghai - 5 orders of XLB, veggies, rice, and tea

Hanging out rushing for tickets

4. Ippudo - Shoyu ramen with braised pork belly and an extra serving of noodles (could have done another but I had to make room) - this was the only thing I didn't share

5. Bon Chon - Mad for Chicken - split spicy and salty wings added some soju as wel.

6. Halal Cart - Chicken and Rice Split 6 ways

This was a wonderful day. We never could have hit all the places and eaten all that food without the help of 6 people eating - everything was like a small appetizer for the next meal. They say that it's best to eat several small meals rather than a large meal or two a day. Add walking all day and I would say we were really healthy as well.

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Scott pointed out to me that the effect of eating several meals is a definite pro of being married - especially if your spouse to a light weight. The only con he pointed out was waiting during shopping, but he actually called it a push since he said Marian shops for him too so that cuts down time.

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The next day was harder - not because we ate so much the day before. It was harder because Al went off to Jersey and Wei and Sandy left back for Austin. 3 is a tough number. If it wasn't for Sandy joining us for dinner - and picking out good Thai food, we would not have been able to gloriously have a 2nd dinner of UF Chicken - unidentified flying chickens. We got to taste all the flavors as well.

Eatting at so many places would be a very difficult task to complete if I was alone, but it was definitely a team effort that made it possible to hit so many places so quickly - probably helped shave off a day or so.

This post is all about the benefits of community. Let's be honest - one person can't eat that many places. Even a married couple is limited. 3 was difficult. The 'economies of scale' start around 4 - maximized around 6. 8 becomes a little hard to get into a place all together.

Glorious . . . food. More to come and go down my belly.

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Starting over

2009-08-27T01:57:04Z

I really respect those around me that continue to learn or strive to learn. I was a "good student," but it took me awhile to find things that I love or am interested in learning about or interested in doing.

Luckily these last few evenings have been cooling down around 6ish. So I think I'm going to learn to run again. I want to learn how to bike again. And hopefully, I'll be ready for a sprint tri come April.

I want to "learn to pray" again. Growing up, people tell you that "it's a conversation with God." And I think that's true to a point, but there is something about the prayers that are read at Vox - a collective group prayer that has thought. Harmon gave me a title of a book awhile back. I think what's interesting about some of the selections is that they show a soul - I guess it's like reading a book, studying a culture, hearing a friend's heart.

Over a year ago, a bunch of friends and I did the Human Race training. Sure there was a big promo push and I was in it a lot for the swag. The Human Race is coming around again - not in Austin though. The other day I was dead tired from a 12+ hour day, but I knew that I needed to get some exercise. There's something refreshing about "not thinking" while you exercise.

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Thankful

2009-08-13T14:29:07Z

I feel very grateful to be in a place of rest and great perspective. Many times it is hard to see "the hand of God" or "God" for that matter in the day to day or even month to month. Sometimes you think if you stare/squint hard enough at life that it'll just come to you. Not so much. God has usually shown up best in the conversations I have with friends. The reflections of what has happened in the last few months/weeks or the last time we crossed paths.

So things I am thankful for in no particular order:

1. Work

I'm not just any workaholic. I love what I do. I'm thankful that the right doors opened for me to work at Jamba Juice - getting paid more, less stressed, and generally happier. I lost a few employees but for good reasons - i.e. them finding a job in this economy to do what they want - i.e. one guy that wants to be a personal trainer got a job at Pure Austin. This economy is tough enough to get a job, but I'm thankful for the understanding side of my boss - we can talk through pretty much anything. A few insights here and there, but still letting me grow and have ownership of my decisions. There's freedom in my schedule as well. I've been able to take time off to see family, friends, and even help out a friend that just needed a babysitter for a few hours. God has been good in helping me in my journey of "recovering from being a workaholic"

2. Vox Community

Years ago, I felt like it might have been my time to leave Austin. The kids were growing up. I wasn't asked to watch them as much. I had stepped away from responsibilities to the point that most people don't know that I helped a lot in the past. Things seemed like it would be time for me to find a new place. This past year I even debated Peace Corp. But this year's move to East Austin has been really good. I've been able to ease into conversations about how to live my life purposely. I haven't been forced into anything, but I have a deep sense of responsibility - where am I going to contribute in a positive way. I live close to the high school that was deemed academically unacceptable last yr and close to the middle school that was to close as well. I'm challenged by the fact that most people are working their butts off or finding channels to help - so I'm figuring out which channel to aid.

I've enjoyed the kids and community of Vox even more lately. You gotta love the Seefeldts. What other family has instilled friendship and education so well in their kid that disciplining their kid is telling him that they'll pull him out of school if he doesn't behave. Abner just loves people and loves to share his knowledge. The parents of Vox have really shown great generosity to each other and it shows in their kids - very willing to share.

3. Parents

I've spent some time with my friends lately. Some with new ventures in their lives - moving, children,etc. I have helped watch my friends' kids at times, but I don't think I've been so exposed to the 1st few weeks/months before. And it is tremendously difficult to support - physically/emotionally. I consider myself a robot when it comes to work/rest, but parents with newborns trump my discipline and perseverance. It's so hard. When friends tell you they've given their all, but feel defeated in their ability to provide. Parenthood is extraordinarily difficult. I'm reminded of the times I've seen my friends' kids throw fits, and the parent has tried everything in their being - energy, emotion, etc but is unable to appease the kid - (not just eat/sleep/clean, but friendships/toys, feelings). It's one of the worst feelings in the world as a friend that I can't help. Yet within that is this new blossoming beauty. I feel like I've gotten to see the extent of what man can do, and I can see the beauty of what happens when God shows up.

I love my parents. They went to church until they couldn't contain my oldest brother's cries. At times, my dad traveled a lot. I'm sure there was strain on my mom while he was gone - even with my grandparents around. Yet, I feel like my brothers and I always felt loved and provided for - even to this day. I think kids don't get to see how much their parents loved them until they see their parents act as grandparents. My dad is a crazy man when he sees my niece (his granddaughter). He'd give her anything she shows even semi interest in. He'll start making funny faces and sounds. My mom's gift is the conversation and the freedom. I think she's neither conservative nor liberal -she's understanding. I think I get that piece from her about trying to understand values and other people's expressions of those values. My mom shows good restraint from giving recommendations unless being asked.

I obviously don't have a kid yet. Not even close. A few BIG steps have to happen before I even get close to that. But I feel like these past few days, I've been able to understand that "God the Father" piece a lot more. It's always easier for me to get the Jesus piece earlier - human piece - friend piece. A lot more casual. I think I've always heard a lot of the God as Jesus sacrifice piece, but I feel like I've been more exposed to God as the Father sacrificing piece more lately.

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It has been a beautiful journey. The latest thing that has been on my mind has a little to do with what's in the news - health care reform, economy, etc. There are single moms living on min wage raising several kids. I've had this crazy idea. What if I lived off less and tried to know what it was like to live like a single mom? What if I lived off less and gave the extra $ to someone else to make things more "equal." I would also be learning what my financial situation would look like if I was either a) dating or b) married as a sole income with kids. I'm not sure what's stopping me right now. I'm trying to figure out what the median income is nationally, statewide, locally, or even within my zipcode. I don't know where to start but that is part of my next step in this exploration of living deep lives of understanding and "connectivity" to community.

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The who

2009-07-14T02:56:59Z

I grabbed lunch with Abel today. Another cool guy who I don't know how we started talking, but I enjoy good conversation with him. Abel is living the life. I've been told before that I'm mature for my age, but Abel who is 5 yrs younger than me is living the life I wish I had the guts to do earlier. He's off to Guyana - World Teach. Not exactly sure what he's doing aside from immersing himself in another culture and trying to help them.

We talked about life. The east side. Refugees. We didn't necessarily look at Scripture or anything but we talked about how we perceive things. Abel is about to leave, but lately he has been working with refugees. It's interesting how the Israelites were refugees all the time. I'm reminded of the story of Ruth and how the kindness of Boaz was redemption for the refugee.

Abel and I talked about how our parents all came to America for a better life. We recognize that maybe we're not living that "better life," but in one generation, we get to try to help others in the world that aren't able to make the trip to America for a better life. That to a certain extent instead of frustration from our parents, a different perspective could be this amazing awe for how fast that help can extend to beyond a nuclear family. I know that my dad was able to help his brothers and sisters come to America. But how awesome it is to see a bigger world picture - a picture that isn't just asian/indian/american, but a picture that includes S. America, Europe, and Africa.

I've lived on the East side for about 2 months now. A lot of observing. The last few talks from Vox, I've been captured by passages talking about generosity - giving so that others are not in need. I'm reminded of talks and passages - help the sick, those that are craving.

I've always lived a pretty simple life. Not much flare to me. Yet, it's not about living simply. It's not just necessarily equilibrium. I've had more time to think since I've moved and done the job change. A lot of my personal volatility of life has calmed down. I realize that there are those that are seeking help and those that we perceive need help. i.e. thinking because certain people live in certain situations, they need those conditions to be "upgraded" - whether it be living situation, education, etc. Ignorance of a better life aside and all - Abel reminded me that there are people out there that are asking - hungry for knowledge, development, etc.

I hear about people struggling to teach kids at school because the kids don't care. The kids are there because it's the law or that it's a convenient tax paid babysitting for them. Yet on another hand, you have refugee kids that are hungry for knowledge, a job, etc. They've been through hell and they understand that they've been given an opportunity to be given resources to be in a better situation.

Sure it's tough to figure out those deep issues with your literal neighbors, but maybe they're not in need. (And we've got to toss that old version of evangelism of everyone is a hungry lonely person with a hole that only God can fill judgement). Maybe God wants us to find those that are expressing/asking for help 1st before we decide that our niche is those that are similar and just waiting for them to express their deep personal needs - and assuming that we some how have it better because "God is on our side." I'm reminded of a conversation with Sam about finding God in other people. Sometimes finding/experiencing and knowing more of God is in the journey of finding him the face, culture, and lifestyle of people different than your self.

This was definitely a bunch of ramblings, but I have to say that my conversation with Abel was just full of that awesome energy/excitement of living. I asked Abel about when the switch was really flipped and he talked about having the offer letter from another company and the peace corp one in front of him. He talked about how dead the "satisfaction" of having a check was. It was going back to that model or trying something else. Abel talked about how his dad asked if this was going to further his career, and there was something more of the value of something else - not necessarily saving the world but doing something that impacts others. It's beautiful. I'm jealous. A story to tell others. Abel will be a legend.

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Encouragement from a 4 -yr old

2009-07-09T04:07:02Z

Usually, it's the older person using parentese with kids - encouraging them for little things. Good job! Whether it be my niece working on being potty trained or just kids doing the right thing by sharing, the one thing you can always give is verbal praise and encouragement.

I haven't hung out with Addison and Justice that much other than Vox gatherings, but you gotta love those guys. Huge smiles and they always share - whether it be food or a little stuffed animal. Once they offer you something, and you try to give it back, they refuse - they just want to give you the toys. I have always loved watching Justice 'run' - more like a fast waddle.

Anyways, so it started off with Addison and me - we worked on his 'house' - he only knew how to write the letter A, but he wanted to make sure we labeled the house with the following names; Addison, Justice, Joshua, Noah, Mom and Dad. We started on that it and it was cool seeing him at his learning stage - numbers and letters. Justice has a really good knowledge of body parts - eyes, ears, nose, tummy (everyone loves tummy).

So I'm really not good at crafts. I suck at art, but as I cut out the letter A for Addison, he would say things like. 'Yeah, that's perfect!' We made several different versions of his Wolverine claws but each time, he would say 'yeah, that's perfect' Sure, he wanted longer claws each time, but what can you say to a kid with those eyes as he tells you that everything you make him is perfect?!?

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We played hide and seek, but it was hilarious because Addison wanted you to make a sound after you hid. Then, it was a little wrestling. There's nothing like hanging out and playing with kids after a day of work. You definitely get that 2nd wind. Addison wanted to take a bunch of pictures for his cousins. One time he said, "Take a picture of me. It's for Nana and Riley because they love me." I thought it was cool when he asked if I was going with them the next time they're going to Amarillo.

It's one thing to get encouragement from work - cuz you're just doing your job and trying to do better. It's another thing to get encouragement from a 4 yr old that energizes you to make more cool toys. It's been awhile since I've "created" anything. What amazed me more was how much Addison cares about others. I suggested that I leave my Wolverine claws so his dad could play with him. Addison insisted that I take my claws home so I could play with them at home too. Still sharing, still caring that other people have fun too. Props to Dallas and Tandra for not only creating mega cute kids but teaching them to care about others at such an early age.

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I've always enjoyed watching other people's kids. From the kids, I learn perspective. From the parents, I learn how much you can teach a kid. We got a lot of amazing parents at Vox, and I'm honored to get to learn from their entire families. Usually I enjoy learning from people that are more seasoned/experienced in life than me, but I also enjoy the surprises I learn from the children. Uncle Brian loves this community.

Wolverine for both

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A new definition - community calling

2009-03-16T03:02:38Z

This past weekend, I got to reconnect with two friends in Houston. We've been friends for a long time. Some since college. Another person half my life. We talked about a lot of different things - spiritual stuff, family, etc. As we talked about recreating ourselves, one friend mentioned that of all people, I probably recreated myself the most after college. Most people recreate themselves when they transition from high school to college. I took another transition after I graduated as well.

What I really enjoyed about this group of friends is that we can talk with depth to our conversations as well. We talked about Lent and the entire giving up thing - as well as the what are we doing. We can be honest about how hard it is to "prioritize" doing the "spiritual" stuff like praying.

As we chatted over brunch, there was one dialogue that I found really interesting and resounded. One friend talked about how he was talking to a missions admissions person. He and his wife felt like they were called to a people but not necessarily a place. So the missions admin person talked about how sometimes it's not really a place either, btu sometimes people are called more to a "team." There was the idea of how God places you to work with certain people - the team dynamics. Supposedly 50% of attrition from missions comes from people not interacting well with their team.

So admin said that they have a candidacy program, where people interact with various teams - working various places, various strategies, various places, etc - and then some times people just find others intriguing and they invite them to their team or they want to be mentored or learn in one of those environments.

There's this thought that calling was something of a God whispering to you thing. My friends and I have never had a burning bush or God whispering at us in the middle of the night experience. But what I found interesting about this other idea of calling is that sometimes God calls you to a community or a vision. Things are always easier to describe or correlate looking backwards. I think for me - there was this community aspect of Vox. Or maybe pre-Vox. I'm not one of those cool indie music on the cutting edge of culture people, but I knew that I wanted to stay in Austin after I graduated. I can't believe I've been here for 10 yrs now. But I would say that there is calling to be part of my community - the families (esp kids) that I love, the tough decisions we've had to make, the amazing ways we've looked back and seen God provide in the short and long term - pretty much every location we've landed at in these 10 yrs. There's something cool about this concept of a community calling - the affirmation comes with how you connect with you and your personal vision/goal/direction. The affirmation comes from people asking you to partner with them or be their friends. Truly a sense of God using the community around you to speak that purpose.

I know I'm really not communicating this as well as my friend put it, but there were all these ideas flowing through my head - the calling of the people I've gotten to work with at various stages of my working career, etc. It's really beautiful. A true sense of knowing why I am where I am and feeling good about it. In a sense then, there's this connection to calling and your personal community. Like maybe if you're not gelling with a certain group of people, then maybe you shouldn't be there - be it your job, your church, etc. I think about how Peter and Paul went various ways. I think about how Barnabas and Titus were asked to be partners with certain people instead of others - it's not necessarily right/wrong, but more of how we're wired to best help those around us. It's an amazing idea. A community calling.

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A fresh breath of air

2009-03-08T03:48:33Z

It's weird. I've felt like a different person in the last month or so. I think I've gone through one of those huge transitions in life. I knew I was that person that had gotten over the hump of getting a job. I had gotten over the hump of figuring out to do with my time and money. I had learned that there are several avenues for expression of my values - beyond my work.

So since quitting, I spent some time with Chris, Colleen, Gen, and Zachy. There's something so special about getting to be that favorite uncle. Waking up to my tiny little niece walking into my room. Brushing teeth next to each other. Gen has this tiny little voice - much like Jocie. Although Gen's vocabulary hasn't quite development. Her speech is still hard to decipher at times, but it's a cool experience hearing her ask you to play "hide n seek" or go to the "lidding room" to play, and then when she finishes a puzzle or does something good - the elation of "I did it!" I loved putting Gen down for a nap. It was absolutely amazing.

I got a lot of time to sit back and admire. You could easily tell that Chris loved being home with the family and wishes that he could spend every waking moment with the kids. There was so much meaning in him being part of Gen's daily routines - giving her a bath, brushing teeth, taking her to school. You could tell that the commitment of love was there as Colleen and Chris would barely get any sleep as they rotated taking care of the kids as they woke up throughout the nite.

I got to hang around Colleen while she got a Valentine's card for Chris. There's something priceless about running around a playground with your niece - then she stops turns around and with arms wide open says, "Help, Uncle Brian."

Zachy is probably the most happy baby I've seen. Smiling at random strangers without effort. He's like a baby Buddha. Just chubby and happy. There's something so beautiful about family. I've never enjoyed running in a 10 x 10 circle "chasing" my niece so much. There is nothing that gives such perspective and depth to my world.

So I returned to Austin to work, and things got better too. I used to work off of 4-5 hrs of sleep. I couldn't sleep more than that. Now my body allows me to sleep longer and it even gets upset when I don't get enough sleep. I've started to go to the gym more. I've started to cook at home more - and that even includes vegetables - roasted peppers a few times, steamed broccoli another, etc.

I feel like I had a fresh breath of air. There's something about cool crisp air that I have always loved - feeling and sensing it move in and out of you. We're always breathing but usually we don't notice unless we can't breathe because of allergies or if we're out of breath. But there's beauty in the moments where you "slow" down your world and take the time to breathe deeply with awareness of what it does to you and your surroundings. I feel like a new person.

I'm moving in time, and I'm excited at what that can mean for me - running or biking to work, being close to so many places to volunteer. I think I'd like to spend some time volunteering at the hospital. I think there is something special about perspectives when you're around people in the hospital - the emotions of hope, fear, sadness, joy, etc. I think it can capture and remind people of the importance of life.

Sometimes people recreate themselves in college or after their 1st job. I feel like I've kind been given another chance to change again. I want to learn again. I want to breathe again. I feel like I was consumed in work, and now I've come out of a cave and I'm fascinated again with all around me - remembering some things and discovering new things. It's a good day.

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Living up to her name

2009-02-06T15:11:04Z

A few weeks ago, Sam and I were having lunch. We were talking about language, names, etc. As he shared about his desire for his 2nd kid's name to have great meaning, he said that he felt like Jocie really "lived up to her name" - Joy.

I got to have the great honor of watching her the other day. It was probably one of the most heart warming days I've had in awhile. My last few days of employment were filled with some rather questionable conversations that happened behind my back. Things didn't exactly end quietly so I needed some peace away from work or even throwing things away from work.

So I asked Carol about taking Jocie out. I was in for a day filled with positivity. So I got Jocie around 11am. The day started off with her huge smile and hug. She showed me her favorite Kung-Fu panda move - the butt thrust. She had a cute exchange with Carol of "See you later, Alligator. In awhile Crocidile." As we left, even though Carol couldn't hear her, Jocie waved bye and said, "Bye Mom, I love you." Something cool about seeing kids express love to their parents.

We went off to visit Jim and Gretchen. As we were driving she goes, "I like Gretchen. I like Jim." After getting a flower from Jim, she proceeded to stuff it in people's faces for them to smell. She posed for pictures for Gretchen - loving her flower.

Jocie is a climbing machine at the park. She really has no fear of falling or anything. You really don't have to chase her or anything. A few times she would ask for help on a swing, but otherwise very self-sufficient. Sometimes kids have so much fun, I'm thinking, "Man, I hope they're ok when it's time to leave." Jocie was easy. I asked if she wanted to get lunch and we were set to go.

She played with a dog while we ordered at P. Terry's. Tiny little Jocie took her time eatting her burger and fries. At the end, she was holding a fry while talking to me, and then a bird actually swooped by and grabbed the fry. She was starting to get upset because that was the last fry, but I quickly changed gears - "It's ok because after we finish eating here, we're going to get . . ."

"ICE CREAM!"

I tried to be "healthier" by going the gelato route at Whole Foods. A cool surprise was that when we paid, the lady asked if Jocie wanted any stickers. Who could say no? Stickers are always a great plus for kids. It's always funny talking to kids - or rather hearing what they say. Out of the blue from eating gelato, Jocie busts into a "I like to move it move it" song - closing off by telling me that it's from Madagascar.

As we made our way home, she wanted to see Sam. Hilarious and cute, she told Sam that she wanted him to go to her house - Sam played with her reminding her that it was their house together. Sam told her that he still had some work to do. He had some meetings. So she asked him to only talk a little bit. She cried as we left Space12 and had this cute whimper to herself. When I picked her up out of the car, she was so exhausted, she put her head on my shoulder (the blob move) - it's the most comforting feeling anyone can ever have from a kid. I easily transitioned her to her bed for a nap. A few comforting words from Carol, and Jocie was out cold.

I could vent all my frustrations about work and life to friends. Sure that would get things out of my system. I think that helps some people, but sometimes you end up a bitter person repeating the story over and over again. I really enjoyed the day because I wasn't venting. I wasn't letting the past get to me. I was fully in each moment of joy with Jocie. Laughing on the inside. Agreeing with her positive comments. When a little girl says, "I'm beautiful." how can you not respond by saying, "Yes, you are beautiful!"

It's one thing to come to a place of peace with the world and rest. It's another thing to be in a place of joy.

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Moving forward

2009-01-03T15:21:58Z

I haven't written here in awhile, or at least nothing that I've made public. A lot of people write about their past year and their resolutions or thoughts as they move forward in life. I can't quite capture everything here. If anything, I find that as I've grown older that I've started to enjoy learning a lot more - not learning from a text, but more from varying experiences - my own or learning from other people's triumphs and failures. I've found myself more "emotionally available" as well.

Regardless of how long I've been a manager, there are people that you hire that are different than what you thought at the interview - in both the positive and negative way. One of my joys of work is that I operate in a way where I want my partners to be relaxed - relaxed enough not only to be able to tell me anything on their mind, but also that they can make fun of me. I've learned a lot this year - probably more from the partners I supervise more than my peers or my supervisors.

This has been a year of complete cuteness from the kids. Gen not only walks but she can talk. Even though I think she thinks "Favorite Uncle = Brian" is just like how you point at a color and say red, I'll accept my position as a given fact. At home, we were looking at all our cell phones - the wallpaper for everything is Gen. On top of Gen, I got a cute little baby Buddha nephew in Zachy. The joy of children is not just in my nuclear family. I have tremendous joy in looking at Jensen and Jennifer's monthly updates of Sophia growing. There is this overwhelming feeling of peace and joy around that family. Love abound and this wonderful awe at every step of Sophie's development.

Gretchen and I had this conversation awhile back. Kids grow up. They become too heavy to hold or they start playing more violently, etc. They basically go through stages where you're their babysitter and friend - to simply ust another adult in the room. I still remember the days of watching Joshua and Noah - putting Noah down to bed. Taking Zachy and Noah to the park as they "shot each other." Those boys are so much more grown up now. Noah still will run to me and give me a big hug. But times change and . . . your favorites at church change. Indeed, Gabby is still mega cute, especially with her squeaky shoes, but the person that really is a diamond in the rough is Justice. Addison and Justice are just two amazing boys. Addison has his big eyes and long hair. Justice is pretty much everyone's friend. He'll share anything. He'll let anyone hold him and he'll just point where he wants to go. I remember that Thanksgiving was a hectic time, but just getting to hold him for a few minutes at Thanksgiving gave me a great sense of peace.

This year has been marked with great food as well. Pete's experiments has resulted in wonderful food for the entire house - filet mignon, smoked pork, halibut, diver sea scallops, amazing choc chip cookies, a breakfast hash, etc. I haven't eaten so well in ages.

I've become friends with some of the most interesting people. Either deepening some friendships and finally getting to know others. I feel honored to know such cool people like Thomas and Heather Davis. I'm always humbled by being around Teddy - the ultimate renaissance man that can carry a great conversation on anything while keeping you engaged and participating. Bruce Hall - the most admirable 63 year old guy I know - I can only aspire to be as caring and generous as him as I get older. Paul and Larina - one awesome couple. Nothing like doing some manual labor together and crazy eating to build a friendship.

___________

I don't know if I have any resolutions. There are some things that I've realized. I think I have to flesh out what it means for me to take care of myself. Working 12 hrs straight and going to volunteer for another few hours is not healthy. I'm trying to learn how to breath more. I'm trying to learn how to be again more - simply being. A long time ago, I started reading "Grace Eventually" - Anne Lamott. Simple stories. Not a textbook hero or anything. Just living life simply - not necessarily a eco-green, save the world, and reduce your carbon footprint book. Just simple reading about small life stories. I kind of miss that. So I bought the book and began again.

There's that term people have used before that no one knows what it means - spiritual formation. I'm trying to figure out that stuff again. Not for the sake of consistency but for rythmns of life, I'd like to figure out stuff like prayer, rest, eating, etc. I realized a few months ago that some people have the "luxury" of winding down before they sleep. They read a book or what not. I've been going so fast that I only know one way of going to bed - "dead dog tired."

As the economy has taken a hard hit, people are being hurt financially. I've been amazingly blessed to be at a store that is still doing really well. A definite blessing from God. I feel fortunate to have such job security. Not just that they need to have a manager at SBUX, but that my results are still strong in this economy - even within the city of Austin's SBUX mine has survived a lot. It's weird to be blessed like that - the favor of God over you and your work.

I have become more and more thankful at meals. Realizing how much I have - to get to choose what I want, to have as much as I want (and more). Daily sustenance coupled with abundance and favorable options - crazy.

No good closing thought today. Just thoughts. I am a thankful person to be in community with people. To share in the joy of other people that have kids. To share in the pain and triumph of conflict. To be the lucky one that gets to hear a story instead of living it to learn a deep lesson. I am glad to be where I am and I look forward to whatever moving ahead can mean.

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